VOTE FOR THE FREE UNITED KINGDOM PARTY

The Guv's common sense message to the UK

I, Al Murray - The Pub Landlord, intend to stand in the general election for the hotly contested Kent constituency of South Thanet as part of the Free United Kingdom Party.

My 13-point common sense action plan to save this country includes:

• The pound in your pocket
The pound will be revalued at one pound 10p, so it will now be worth 10p more. Common sense.

• The NHS
If you come to A&E and it’s neither an accident nor an emergency then you will be sent to a random hospital department to be practised on. Common sense.

• Foreign Policy
Germany has been too quiet for too long. Just saying.

• Immigration
Of course the reason they are coming here is because this is the greatest country in the world. The only way to stop them is for a government to change that and make things a whole lot worse. Look no further. However, in the meantime, we brick up the Channel Tunnel. With British bricks. Probably have to get some Poles in to do it. Common sense.

• Education
I believe the children are the future and there’s no way you'll get me knocking teachers. Teachers are on the front line, coalface. Doing their bit to create a level playing field for our kids, although I'm not sure they're going about it the right way by making sure none of the kids can read and write. So instead of a postcode lottery a new improved Street Raffle will determine which schools your kids get in to. Common sense.

• Scotland
Alex Salmond to be made First Minister for Norwich, so he can get to understand what being ignored by the rest of the country is really like. Common sense.

• Europe
I pledge that the UK will leave Europe by 2025 and the edge of the Solar System by 2050. Common market sense. In the meantime Greece to be bought and operated by Kent County Council. Couldn’t be worse. Someone to do the bins at least.

• The environment
Boris Johnson to be put on an island. He keeps saying that’s what he wants.

• Corporations and Globalisation
Blah blah blah blah blah paradigm blah blah blah, blah blah dialectic blah blah blah blah blah blah game-changer.

• Homes for hard working families
Build some houses but without bringing down house prices. How hard can it be?

• Defence
National Service, but only for people who don’t want to do it.

• Law and Order
Unemployment causes crime: I propose to lock up the unemployed. Common sense.

• On Local issues
South Thanet to be made the new capital of the UK. Demilitarised zone to set-up between North and South Thanet.